I’m really at a crossroads in life right now, in many ways. Physically, emotionally, and very much spiritually. I feel like whatever is coming my way is going to make me or break me. I barely have the strength to fight right now, and I’m barely hanging by a thread.
Ever felt that way?
We have had a very difficult time with fertility issues. Making it even more troublesome is the fact that no reason has ever been found. No fix. No remedy. In fifteen and a half years of marriage, we’ve had one miracle boy come along, and three losses that we know of.
Our son will be ten years old this fall. After our first loss in our second year of marriage, nothing at all happened. No more positive tests, no more possibilities at all, even with months of Clomid treatments and all kinds of testing and blood work. We’d given up all hope by the time he came along, but suddenly, there he was. We thought at that point whatever the trouble was before, now, NOW, finally we were going to make a family.
Then as he turned two, three, five……….seven…….nine…….no other babies. We had two chemical pregnancies that crushed us. We went through another round of Clomid, but my amazing obgyn retired, and I have a different one now. Very ambivalent. Unhelpful. Totally disengaged from our hopes and desires for more children, to the point of not even referring us to a specialist for the last seven years.
After a diagnosis of type 2 diabetes last August, I asked if I could have had PCOS all along. Again the doctor was utterly disinterested, but scheduled me for an ultrasound. As a Saturday was all that was open, I was informed that a rotation of the practice’s doctors was the norm, and who I’d see wasn’t for sure. Nonetheless, I confirmed the appointment and waited for it anxiously.
It happened that the doctor on rotation that Saturday was one I’d wanted to see nearly 14 years before, but she’d just moved too far away back then for me to see her. She’d delivered our oldest niece, and I’d heard wonderful things about her. Though all this time had passed, I found her to be everything I’d heard and hoped.
She immediately noted a pretty large area on the ultrasound that was not normal, and put in an order for me to have a special ultrasound referred to as sonohysterography. SHG uses ultrasound and sterile fluid to show the uterus and endometrial (uterine lining) cavity. I had this procedure about two weeks ago, and it showed that approximately 50% of my uterine wall is covered in polyps. BINGO.
This doctor had also referred me to a fertility specialist, but I wanted to have the SHG before seeing him so I knew where I stood. As soon as I knew the results, I gave his office a call, and I am now scheduled for surgery and immediate fertility treatment in March.
This is a great thing, right? Right. But I’m thrilled and apathetic simultaneously…daring to hope and shutting hope down with every cell of my being at the same time.
Hope is hard.
Faith is slipping through my hands like so much sand on a windy day….
Hurt is hard to heal from.
I find myself back to a place of wondering why me? Hasn’t life been hard enough for me? Why me, God? Are you even there, God? What’s the point? Why dream? Why hope? Why not just go ahead and fall down this rabbit hole of fear, of lost dreams, of shattered plans, dashed hopes? I’ve shared before that I have a very hard time with faith. And as though in answer to that, this opportunity to grow and persevere has come about. Somewhere off in the distance, though I want to just turn away, I feel my Savior saying “Take my hand. I’ve got you. I have all your tears right here, and all your hopes too, in my hands. Just come to me.”
I have my fists balled up, my feet dug in, my jaw set, and my eyes brimming. I can think of time after time I hoped, I prayed, I submitted……..and didn’t get what I yearned for.
Did you know the Bible is full of direction about faith, and hope, and belief? It is.
And if I listen to what the Word tells me, I find myself astonished. Can I believe? WILL I believe His will is good for me? Can I try faith and belief one more time? Did I ever give it my all to begin with? I WANT to allow the testing of my faith to blossom forth into perseverance that points straight to Jesus, the author and finisher of my faith, and the Redeemer of my soul. But it’s hard, so hard.
I know He knows I know He’s there. And that He really loves me, not just in a flippant old sing song-y Jesus loves me way……..but REALLY, really, deeply, faithfully loves me. Like loved me enough to hang on that cross for me, and surely my eternity is just as important to Him as my every day. The tears, the struggles, the hopes, the dreams, and even what our family is to be.
Jesus doesn’t just save us from sin and then say SEE YA! I’ll just be in Heaven waiting on you to get here too…No.
He saves us from the lies the enemy whispers to us as we struggle, the hurt of lost dreams, the tears we shed in our sorrow, the ache of despair when we just.can’t.understand, and calls us back to Himself time and again, to hold us, and to heal us.
To give us life more abundantly.
To bring us out of darkness into His marvelous light.
To give us the strength to have faith in Him, to believe in Him, and all that He is painting our story to be.
If we let Him.